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Dartegnian: Then and Now

Since this blog is still in its infancy, I might as well make one of the first posts about the author; however, I'm not going to start with an elementary-tier introduction like my full name, age, schools I've went to, and so on. Rather, I'm going to introduce myself by telling you all who I was and who I am now.

Let's start with who I was 3 years ago, shall we?

It was January of 2012, I had just turned 13 and I was still a high school freshman. Despite being my high school the same school I've been in since I was in the first grade, I still had trouble adjusting to it. As you'd expect, I pretty much knew most of the students so far, and I knew some of the teachers, too. My school was pretty small in terms of landmass, but it was a pretty tall building. Since I have been in the same building for such a long time (I even had my first "sleepover" there), I could say I knew every nook and cranny of the place (except for the rooms reserved for the director of the school, the cashier, and the faculty room). Going back, my first year was actually pretty tough, with me having to deal with some bullying issue—making me one of the most quiet person in the room.

I barely talked to anyone or made any best friends, and our classroom adviser placed me at the back of the room behind a concrete column, so I never really got to speak up much. On March 1, we had our field trip to Bataan, and little did I know that the trip would drastically change my life.

Prior to my trip to Bataan, I was your average shy schoolboy who had a small interest in technology and K-Pop. Girls' Generation was still one of my favorite artists back then, but I was more focused on other bands (like 4Minute and 2NE1) and artists and K-Pop as a whole. However, after my trip, I slowly changed into someone.. with more confidence. You see, I met a girl, and she opened my eyes to a new world, a world that I would soon regret knowing—the world of love. (This story gets "cornier," trust me.)

Over the course of a year after meeting her, I slowly "molted" into this guy who tried his best just to get this girl. I was the complete opposite of who I was before—now an overconfident, arrogant, and a diehard suitor. At this point, my main belief was that, someday, the girl I met during the field trip would soon be my first girlfriend.

By June 2013, I was a wreck. I had just found out that the girl I've been courting met a guy and they were in a relationship. As the old saying goes, "When things fall (like oh, say, a heart), they tend to break." I had entered a world where the sun doesn't shine, and hope doesn't exist. Every single day, all I thought about was to kill myself. There was so much teenage angst in me that it took me years to remove most of it.

From September 2013 onward, I slowly focused on finding who I am. I focused on finding more of the things I like, and the things I like doing. I developed my interest for K-Pop groups, specifically Girls' Generation, and I developed my new interest: Microsoft Windows. I upgraded my feeble laptop from Windows 7 Home to Windows 8 Pro, and the feeling was amazing after doing it successfully on my first try—without the help of any technician. During that time, I formed bonds with many people who shared the same interests as I have, although those bonds would soon break loose over time.

I was still shaky and I had mild bouts of depression from time to time, but I tried coping with it by listening to the songs sung by Girls' Generation. 

2014 came and, on March 2014, she graduated from high school. By June 2014, I was so unsure of everything. It was my last year of high school and I was so eager to find someone new to have a crush on. I was extremely scared, unsure, and desperate during the first few months of my 4th year life. Despite that, I slowly forgot about the girl I met on the field trip and my feelings for her subsided. I learned how to be more social, and made more friends, and I reinforced the connections I already had with my other friends. I soon found someone to have a crush on, but nothing really worked out. Though the girl I met on the field trip was almost gone from my life, our memories still lingered, leaving me with no other choice.

On October 2014, I had this radical idea that I should open up a fake account and try to court the girl I met on the field trip again—this time, under a different alias (as my name and reputation towards her was severely tarnished on account of my suicidal days).

It was the worst idea I have ever had and I wish I hadn't even thought of it in the first place. First off, I managed to get to a point where we would meet in person to hang out or something like that (though, the girl and I already hung out before, twice. One a few weeks before I had my suicidal episodes, and one on October 2013). When she found out that I was the guy who was talking to her, she was immediately disappointed. After the said event, there I was—thinking that I shouldn't have a crush on her anymore and I should find a new person to have a crush on.

I spent the rest of December trying to fix myself and remove some of the leftover "feelings" I had for her. I started working on applying updates to myself, and, by the time 2015 rolled over, I was a changed man.

2015 started off a little shaky, but it was filled with so much optimism. I was busy preparing for college and the things it would bring me. I was immersed in finding a good course for me to take in college. I then settled on the idea of taking a Software Systems (or Systems Software, no one really knows) course at Asia Pacific College. By the time of my graduation (March 2015), I had already broken apart from my old suicidal self and I molted into the best version of me yet.

Then college came knocking on my doorstep.

It's a completely different environment—one filled with new lingo, people, and hairstyles. Though it did live up to my expectations, it's safe to say that my first few months of college were the best months of my life. My first term was all sunshine and happy days. The weeks were filled with so much enjoyment and fun, it's as if every single week was the best day of my life. And, to tell you the truth, the happiness really started on Monday, 7:30 in the morning.

But, as with everything, good things must come to an end. It's now my second term at Asia Pacific College and, it's sad to admit it, but my life is slowly falling into disarray. The emotions of happiness I felt during my first term has all been replaced by stress, frustration, and loads of annoyance. I'm starting to have swings of depression at odd hours of the night, but I know I can conquer them through bonding/talking with someone over Facebook or Twitter (or any social network for that matter).

After what I experienced this week (which I'll talk about in detail in the near future), I just want to rest for days or talk/hug someone I'm extremely close to, because I'm so close to breaking down and I need to find a relief from the onslaught of challenges life seems to constantly throw at me.

I have changed a lot over the years, but there is one thing I will always fight with at the end of the day: depression. What I need to do now is to find a cure—and I think I know what it is.

That's all for now, folks. See you all again in a future blog post.

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