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In Love

Sorry for not posting updates these past few days, but let's kick today off with the hottest and freshest story to come out of my life: I'm finally the top student in my class I'm in love with someone. "What's the significance this time, Dart?" you might ask. Well, to bluntly say it, this girl is special (in my books) because she is a girl who I may (hopefully) be able to court one day.

It might not seem much to you, but it is a HUGE thing for me. Honestly speaking, it has been such a long time since I found a girl I actually want to court. The last time that happened was in my 3rd year of high school. High school, man, and I'm in college (though, I'm still a freshman). I'm going to try and some very different here with my storytelling, just a quick head's up.

But anyway, I just want to ask anyone reading this: When have you messed up?

It doesn't matter who or what you messed up, the fact is that we make mistakes, and we don't often see the (sometimes blatantly-obvious) repercussions that follow. For me, the first part of my gigantic screw-up happened 2 weeks ago, at the Asia Pacific College cafeteria.

It was the first week of February. The decorations were red, my attire was blue, and there was this ever-so-noticeable booth at the entrance of the cafeteria whose reason for being there was something I did not have a clue. Poetry aside, the booth, for some reason, was called "Valentinegram" and it had one purpose: to deliver what message you have for your "special someone."

Now, being the obviously dumb and moronic person that I am, I immediately tried the booth for myself—why not? It was free anyway. I got to write a special message for the girl I love and (sadly) I was able to win this game and got a prize. The prize was a letter that they would deliver to your crush. Being the obviously nerdy and geeky (not to mention, cringey) kid that I am, I decided to write something to my current love interest. For now, let's call her "C."

So, I ask you, what does a geeky Computer Science freshman write on a letter that was supposed to be delivered to his crush? That's right, a reasonable and sincere letter deeply explaining my love towards that person Java program! A fully-working Java program that consisted of a few lines or so! I might not really remember the program I wrote myself, but here's the gist of it:

public class C{
  public static void main(String[] args){
String firstWord = "I have something to say to you: ";
String secondWord = "Hey, C! ";
String thirdWord = "I like you.";

System.out.print(secondWord + firstWord + thirdWord);

Those lines were in the letter that I wrote. Let that sink in for a second. I wrote a Java program into a love letter to my crush who probably doesn't care about programming. I did that.

It's a really great thing to say when someone asks you what you got for Valentine's Day.
Person #1: What did you get for Valentine's Day?
Person #2: Oh my God, a secret admirer of mine gave me a box Ferrero Rocher chocolates.
Person #3: Well, my admirer sent me a personalized 9001-karat diamond with my name on it.
Person #1: How about you, Person #4, what did you get?
Person #4: Some love letter with code written in shitty handwriting.
[Audience laughs]

In hindsight, what I did was probably something I would come to regret over the past few years, but that feeling never really sunk in because, according to a text message, THE LETTER WASN'T DELIVERED. Whew, the coast is clear. The letter wasn't delivered and my ass was saved, once again, by inconvenience. Time to finally get to know the girl.

A few days or so pass and, by some miracle that is a fellow member of the org I'm in, I finally got to be friends with the girl. We got into talking, we followed each other on Twitter, and all that stuff. I got to know who she really was, what her attitude was like, and I have come to the realization that she's the perfect girl to take out on a date sometime. I said to myself, "Dude, this is the girl we're going to take out to dinner sometime. This will be the girl that we will watch a movie with. This is the girl."

Everything was going great for a few days, honestly, until Tuesday arrived. I just got news that the shitty letter I made to her was actually delivered and was not sent to the nearest rubbish bin (pardon my French). The letter got sent, and it was blatantly obvious that I was the one who sent it.

Me, the guy she just met a few days ago, the guy who had a crush on her for months now, that really awkward guy that no one wants to be around with. I sent that letter. It was blatantly obvious that she didn't want to have anything to do with me afterwards. It was originally unclear if I had a chance on her or not, but, after seeing how she dealt with the letter, it's probably safe to say that my chances of asking her out someday are equal to you getting hit by lightning while on your way to claim your lottery prize for the 7th day in a row.

Wednesday was just pure misery for C and I as a blockmate of hers told me that she's sorry about it and she prefers older guys. I'd understand if she says that she's not interested because I currently look ugly (admit it), because, if it has something to do with my looks, I could probably do something about it. But no, this was an age thing. I can't increase my age. I might try to act mature, but still, my age, man.

She didn't see nor did she even bother to read the message I sent to her until the next day. Often, she would take a while to read, but she'd always reply within the day. It was obvious she got a hint of what I was planning to do, and all my chances of taking her out are now just a distant memory.

So, where are we now? I'm at a junction right now, honestly. I don't know what to do; whether or not I should continue or just give up, drop everything, and run away. I genuinely don't know. I feel like trying, but it's rather hard to get my message across now.

But, after giving it some thought, I think I've finally reached an ultimatum, and I'm going to say it here: I'm not giving up that easily.
I'm going to do something different compared to the other crushes I have in the past—and that is the ability to continue whatever the odds may be. Fear might get in my way now, but I'm not going to let it hinder my progress, and I'm going to continue with all I've got. Now that she knows, it's time to step up my game.

Whatever lies beyond the rabbit hole, I don't know. But I'm sure as hell I'm not going to run away and ask myself, "What if I had gone in?" This time, I'm finding out for myself.

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