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One Last Dance

You'll know when it happens. It's almost the end of the dance, and the DJ plays a slow song. "Yes! One last chance, one last shot at victory," you say to yourself. It's that time, the time to experience all the good things one last time. Clumsily, you try to see if there's an opportunity, to see if your crush is still available to dance. Once you know you're in the clear you go in, ask her, and you spend your last dance with her. The end is nigh, this might be your last dance together. She will be your last dance—probably for years to come. As the night ends, you just can't help but hope that things between you two will be better. But alas, no matter how you try, the opportunity will never come back.

That's basically what's been going through my mind on nights like this. Only instead of dancing with a girl, I was enjoying life and having fun with my interests. Yeah, on nights like this, the only thing I really miss is the year 2013, and how good my life was back then.

I really have no idea why 2013 became such an influential year for me. Sure, it was the year I really got into technology, Girls' Generation, Elaine, blogging, and gaming, but it was also the year I got into depression and (almost) suicide. In the recent years, I labeled it as my worst year ever because of my suicide problem; however, as I grew older, I realized that 2013 wasn't entirely a bad year for me.

It was a really strange year for me. I fell in love, I fell out of love, I was led astray by the false hope of love, I wandered onto the path of depression, and, magically, I was guided by the light that was Elaine and SNSD into... wellness, I suppose.

The truth is, I really miss that year of mine. It was my year of exploration. A time when I explored my interests and, although I got mildly scarred in the process, I learned a lot about the world around me. I was filled with so much inquisitiveness and willingness to explore the world beyond.

What's saddening to say is that I'm not the same anymore, or at least not in that context. I've tried instilling all those dreams and hopes of mine back then and trying to relive those past experiences, but it's not the same anymore. It might never be.

I've joined my local Sone (SNSD fan) group and I've participated in a gathering once and bought a shirt, but I still feel like I'm missing something. I've tried to contact my big sister Elaine, but, no matter how hard I try, our connection will only last for a day and then we'll be back to minding our own lives. I can't really blame her, she just grew up. She's not into imitating Taeyeon anymore and I'm definitely sure that she doesn't want to hear me spazz about the upcoming anniversary album. She's moved on to better things, and I accept that.

Sadly, the same can also be said for the main interest that kept us together—SNSD. While girls are very much active, the group isn't. Ever since Jessica left the group back in 2014, their activities have slowly grounded to a halt. No more new DVDs like Paradise in Phuket, no smashing Japanese albums like "Girls & Peace," and certainly no more weird concert stuff that Elaine and I will spazz about. I have a strong gut feeling that, once the 10th anniversary of Girls' Generation is released, a few months or so later, they will announce that the group will disband or go on a really long hiatus (again). Things are just not the same anymore.

Realizing the futility of my situation—the inability to bring back the joy that I once had—I just gave in to the only choice I had. August is coming up, and it's SNSD month because their 10th anniversary is coming up. The end is nigh for SNSD and most of my interests from 2013 already ended. This might be my last dance, I might as well savor it.

The months ahead will definitely be filled with uncertainty, as the group hasn't even acknowledged whether or not they'd continue releasing new stuff in the future. I've personally given up hope for another comeback after this one, and this might be the my last chance to relive the fun I experienced in 2013. Although this opportunity may never come back, I'll be sure I won't waste this last dance.

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