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Chapter 11 Reorganization


In the US, a chapter 11 bankruptcy usually relates to business who have too much debt and is willing to reorganize/restructure their business (yes, keeping a business alive after filing for bankruptcy) in order to pay creditors over time. And, like a business considering for chapter 11 bankruptcy, it seems that I've racked up too much debt over the past few months—and it's time to pay up. Other debts, mind you, not literal debts.

I guess my first debt started when I moved in to that new home earlier this year. For the first few months, it was quite good and my life there was a-okay. I still got to study at APC despite being on the brink of dropping out and I got to live fairly close to it. Then the air conditioning broke out, and I've gotten some complaints about my behavior there.

My behavior wasn't the best, I admit, and I still have some reorganizing to do in terms of my house behavior (hence the title). While I was in the wrong most of the time, I experienced hardships there as well. The saddest part about my stay there didn't involve me, but rather my clothes. There were days wherein the housekeeper would (very kindly) take some of my hanged clothes and just take the hangers and leave my clothes wherever. It was a saddening experience because it took me a lot of energy to clean and hang those clothes, only for that person to take the hanger and toss it aside. The housekeeper also complained about me laughing, which I found weird because I was only laughing because I was reading a joke and literally no one else but the housekeeper and I were on the floor. And yet, I got reprimanded for laughing at a place where only she can hear me.

To be honest, my only concerns were with the housekeeper (and some stuff), but I ultimately find myself in the wrong. Plus, I was blamed to be increasing the bill by 10,000 Pesos every month ever since I lived there. Even though, in my old house, our bill was only 3,500 Pesos and it decreased by 1,000 Pesos. But yeah, that's where my "moral debt" started.

With my "moral debt" piling up, and with me feeling ashamed, and with a lot of complaints about my behavior, I reached out to my mom and just asked her if she has enough money to let me study again. Out of sheer embarrassment of the things I did there, I thought it was better if I just moved out on my own—and to not entangle others in my own problems. I'm not even going to contest it, they did good; I did bad and I fully acknowledge my errors there. Thus, this was a major factor for my "chapter 11 reorganization."

The next wave of stuff that would cause more "moral debt" would be "subprime work assignments." They sound like subprime loans and a "subprime work assignment" is really a phrase I thought up that means "a work assignment wherein the person asking for my services has little to no chance of paying out." Basically another Asking for Too Much problem. A group tasked me with helping them make their project in a class (that wasn't even a class of mine) and, being the guy that can't say no, I agreed to help.

Near the deadline, the group was pressuring me on to pass the completed project. And since I knew I was only going to get a "thanks" or no kind of reciprocation at all for the work I've done, I only did very little work (providing a base layout and login system based on a past project). I am really traumatized with people asking me to do their work, only for them to not reciprocate it or to give something in return. I really wish people would put the time, effort, and hardship I put into my works. Sure, they're software, something not really tangible in nature. And yet, I put a lot of time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears into making the software I make.

So yeah, with that experience, you can tell that my mood was quite sour in regards to people asking me to help with their projects. I got angry at myself and reiterated to myself that tens of people have already told me that I shouldn't always openly help others at my expense. That, if I were to help others, I'd make sure they weren't taking advantage of me first.

Eventually, I "defaulted" on that one, causing me a lot of mental headache. Here comes another person but who's willing to pay, and I basically "defaulted" on them because I had little to no motivation to do their work. They got disappointed in me, but still paid me and I promised to never do it again. Thankfully, that person and I are in good terms.

If you're keeping track, the first problem was "the housing problem." The second was the "subprime work assignment" issue. The final kicker is what I like to call the "sanity bubble burst."

To put it simply, this sanity bubble burst happened because I was trying to clump various bad habits, decisions, and actions together in an effort to clean them up in my mind. Sure, to you, the average person I interact with, my mind looks okay and is free of errors. But in reality, I'm basically storing all the bad and depressing thoughts in my mind in bubbles and hoping that no one will see them up in my head. The thing is, all bubbles will burst at some time. So I basically had a bunch of oil stored in janky containers in my head all in one corner—and it was waiting for one spark.

Like a dam leaking water, my mind slowly eroded from all of the bad things that spilled out. Yes, I'm happy that I got new stuff now and basically have better living conditions, but still, I'm quite unhappy with my life. I dearly miss having a friend like Elaine, being in love, and especially having the zest in life to actually do things.

So, like a board of directors finding out ways to save a company, my mind basically filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. Right now, I'm trying to organize some restructuring methods I could use to get my mind back into shape and my life straightened just so I can pay off these "moral debts."

I'm also looking at ways wherein I can do more good than harm, and some behavioral restructuring, too. What I need right now is a way to help me restructure my personality and overall behavior in home and school environments, financial situations, and hopefully skill-based problems—and I highly need restructuring on those three facets.

The end-goal of this whole "chapter 11 bankruptcy program" isn't really to save my ass from the current mental worries that bother me now, but rather to help me avoid mental debt in the long run. And if I'm planning to avoid mental debt in the long run, I need to reorganize a lot, and I mean A LOT, of stuff about me. From big things like on where to spend my money, to little things like where to place my items, I am going to need a lot of changes.

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