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Bad Code

Whew. At this point, I don't even know what to say anymore. I thought that I would be smarter (or, at least, smart enough) to figure things out. But nope, unfortunately, I can't sort out this problem alone, and I'm afraid to ask for help.

I don't know where it all began, the day my life started spiraling out of control. But I guess I can start to where it felt like it started to spin out of control. If I were to pick a year, I guess that would be 2014. I started to lose so many things that year: my self-care, my big sister, my inquisitiveness, and, unfortunately, SNSD.

The past 2 years, 2012 and 2013, were quite wonderful years, looking back. In 2012, I fell in love with this girl, I got a new laptop and phone, SNSD released "Girls & Peace," my extreme interest in computers and operating systems (especially on Windows) started, and we got Internet installed in our house. In 2013, I went on my first date, SNSD released "I Got A Boy" and "Love & Peace," I grew so close to my big sister, I learned how to install an OS in a virtual machine plus so much more, and I started blogging.

Aside from the minor "suicidal bump in the road" in 2013, the 2 years before 2014 were quite good. Until 2014 happened. I lost a few, albeit important, things that year. I thought 2015 would be better. SNSD's comeback, college, new people and friends, etc. And, my life did get better, for a while. I sat comfortably in my new life, coding, learning about computer science, making new friends—but still, something felt.. incomplete, lackluster, hollow.

2016 was when shit had really hit the fan. A failed courting attempt in the year, SNSD announced hiatus, I barely talked to my big sister anymore, I felt more and more bored to learn about computers, I slowly lost interest in doing things, I wanted to stop blogging, I got tired of reading blogs, etc. Add the growing financial problems on top of that plus the fact that I got scammed earlier that year and you could tell from my few posts that my life wasn't really great in 2016. For me, 2016 felt more like an extension, an "extra few days to live" until my death sentence. "Prolonged misery" as I call it.

The year 2017 started out differently. Things got shaken up. I moved in. I joined competitions and tested my abilities once again, and came out on top on some of them. Plus, I heard that SNSD was going to make a comeback for their 10th anniversary. Things were looking great for the first few months of 2017.

But then the problems kept piling up. Things left unsaid. Days without a proper inspiration. Insecurity about my looks. The feeling of everyone being better than you. Loneliness and depression kicking in. You get the point.

Then I started feeling bad about myself. I felt more and more like shit. I made promises to myself that I ultimately broke. I felt horrible and bullied. I always felt like I was looked down upon, and that I have someone to tell me how worthless I am. I moved out.

Out of all the bad things I thought would come my way, the one thing I didn't expect was the one that had set in my life the most—apathy. I've grown apathetic and it's scary. It's draining me dry. I try to sleep it off, in order to regain motivation, but it doesn't work. I got a Windows Phone and I wanted to develop UWP apps, but every time I start Visual Studio, I go "what's the point?"

I don't care about how I even look anymore. I've stopped caring about a love life, but the thought that, in my entire life, no one has been in a relationship with me still sets me down. I've stopped caring about my academics, and my grades this term suffered in the process.

Personally, I don't know what to do with my life.

In 2014, 2015, or so, I used to always say that I have a starlight to guide me. Plus, I had the backing of my big sister who'll guide me and protect me and to always be there for me. I had my faux parents, Taeyeon and Tiffany. I had a family, SNSD and Sone. I had friends that are there for me through thick and thin. And I had a burning passion to make the world a better place through technology. I thought I had everything—until, one day, I lost them all.

I feel so alone right now. I don't have anyone to talk to and I don't know who to talk to.

I've tried saying "man up, let's weather the storm. Real men aren't this weak," many times but to no avail. I can pretend to act tough, but eventually I'll crack and break down. I don't know why I constantly break down these days. I guess I'm just emotionally weak, I don't know. I guess I break down often because there's no one to help fix me up, and I don't know how to fix myself.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go back to 2012 or 2013 again. Sure, I may have more stuff and money now compared to before, but I don't care about those. I miss Elaine, my times spazzing about SNSD with others, and I miss my passion for technology. I also miss my passion for making art and writing works of literature as well. I miss the feeling of love, thinking that there are people who can love or care for a flawed individual like me.

Ah, I want to get rid of this bad code that's bogging me right now.

But yeah, believe it or not, that's all I ever want in my life now. I don't want a new phone, nor a new laptop. I just want someone. Someone who can cheer me up, protect me, talk to me, and basically be there for me. If 1 person was able to make my year better and save me from suicide back in 2013, then I guess it isn't too bad to hope another one would cross my path this 2017. Hope is all I have left, anyway.

Whether that person will cross my path or not, I don't know. I've got too many problems and no solutions.

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